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Book Review:

Raising our children, raising ourselves: transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to freedom, power, and joy. by Naomi Aldort.

mollygm  would give this book a thumbs down.

There are some good points and techniques made. Somethings I called bullshit on, somethings made me laugh out loud.

Her S.A.L.V.E. is I think a good selling point. It stands for:
S-Separate yourself from your childs behavior and emotions with Silent Self Talk". Basically, don't react to what's going on. Say what you would normally say in anger silently to yourself, try to figure out what's causing your emotions,  take a deep breath and then ...
A-Attention on your child. Pay attention to what's actually happening inside your kid
L-Listen to what your kid is saying
V-Validate your kids emotions and feelings
E-Empower your kid to resolve the emotion/problem on their own with your help.

Sounds very touchy feely. I like it because it reminds me to think before I blow my top. And gives me a thought process to work through.

I called bullshit on her opinions on children doing chores or any other cleaning up (i.e. cleaning up after themselves). To sum up, you ask your child for help and accept a no if that's their choice because to allow them to do so allows them to act "authentically" And to remember that "Everything becomes a joy when it is a free choice" and "Coercing children into doing housework against their will may be the reason why so many adults detest chores." Sorry! BS! We detest doing chores 'cause its not fun. Personally, I'd rather read or stitch. But I like a clean house and a clean spoon when I open the drawer. We share a house, everyone enjoys the clean house, everyone needs to pitch in to help keep it clean. And we learn that how? By doing chores as kids.

Two things made me laugh.
1. This great quote from L.S Vygotsky: "People with great passions, people who accomplish great deeds, people who possess strong feelings, people with great minds and strong personalities rarely come out of good little boys and girls."  Too true! Its something to remember.
2. The old scenario comparing a new sibling to a spouse bringing home another mate with the added expectation of compersion, joy and willingness to share your spouse. That argument doesn't work too well with someone who's poly. Joe brings home another husband? Works for me, more income and some help! Another wife? Cool. More help! =)

Overall it was okay. It had its good points, but it just struck me as Attachment Parenting taken to an extreme. Its going back to the Library.

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Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
polychrome_baby
Aug. 29th, 2009 11:39 am (UTC)
I've been rather insistent that if Russell brought home an addition it be someone with maid or nanny skills. ;)

I like SALVE, and I also call bullshit on chores. Dude, I've seen people who are raised in environments where they didn't clean. They don't know how to clean as adults, and have to be taught. It sucks. We teach our kids to eat at the table, to use the potty, to put clothes on. Teaching them to do another survival skill (keeping a home) is also important. It might be more "authentic" to let them live in filth, but hey, it's more authentic to live in trees and caves and live a hunter-gatherer lifestyle. It's part of cultural evolution, deal.
mollygm
Sep. 1st, 2009 07:26 pm (UTC)
I would, huh? Why's that exactly? 'Cuz it's CRAP??? LOL!

Seriously, why me?

The funny thing about Vygotsky is, what he's mostly known for in child development is Scaffolding. Giving kids bite-size tasks they they can be challenged by, but can master with time and a little help from an adult. That and cultural influence on children.

NOT for raising shit-head kids who scream "No!" at their mommies in the supermarket and "choose" not to clean up after themselves.
aelfie
Sep. 1st, 2009 08:01 pm (UTC)
A lot of the book was crap.

But it still had some good points. Like talking to your kids with the same respect that you'd give another adult. Makes sense, if someone talked to me the way I talk to my kids, I wouldn't want to help them either!
mollygm
Sep. 2nd, 2009 08:41 pm (UTC)
I understand the whole, "respecting them like adults" thing, but there's a line. They AREN'T adults. Adults have (hopefully) been socialized not to be little cave people.

Of course, it's always best to be able to get them to do things by being nice and making it fun and all that jazz. Ultimately, though, YOU are the authority responsible for them and their actions, and the one who's supposed to train them for the world. They have to grow up knowing there are people they need to answer to, whether they like it or not, or they don't feel good, or they weren't asked the correct way.

I've seen a lot of folks, in the name of respecting children like adults, get down on they're knees and practically beg children to do what they're supposed to do. Would you do that for another adult?

I've been thinking about this issue with Mel for a while. I don't want her to do everything she's told (not that she does), but I do want her follow important directions. Basically, I'm trying to make more of an effort to think about what I'm going to tell her to do in advance: is it really necessary or is it some arbitrary thing I think she should be doing right now. Then I can be more flexible on the things she should decide for herself and more firm on the important things. Ok, long tangent. sorry. :P
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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