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I hate being sick

It makes me maudlin, and cranky, and depressed.

I swear head colds are the worst. Sinus pain, runny nose, sore throat. Bleh.

Lately I've been feeling less than successful at parenting. Too much yelling and screaming going on. The last couple of days I've been fighting the "I'm a horrible mother, I shouldn't be responsible for these people 'cause I'll just fuck them up, et cetera, et cetera". In other words, I've been really down on myself the last few days (being sick has absolutely nothing, whatsoever to do with this.) (Riiiiiight.)

Anyway. I was meditating last night while nursing Gray, and I heard the still, quiet voice. "You are worthy." Its been resonating and reverbrating in my brain all day. And it really has helped put me at ease. I'm not a bad mother. I still hear my Step-mother's voice every once in awhile, and I hear it loudest at times like these when I'm down on myself, what I heard last night, has helped greatly to shut her up.

Its nice that the Universe hasn't had to continue to smack me upside the head to get its message to me. I guess I'm finally learning to listen.


( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 12th, 2009 04:59 am (UTC)
I know how that feels. I feel like I communicate in "no no no WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT???" for hours at a time. Chai's favorite phrase lately is parroting back, "You stop that!!!"

I had a rather off childhood, but I must say, I'm much more angry & hurt over the times I was ignored or had objects pitched at my head (sometimes I deserved that, really) than ever being yelled at. I don't even really register having been yelled at, but yeah...could be my skewed perspective. You're not pitching drinking glasses at anyone, are you?
Sep. 12th, 2009 05:29 am (UTC)
No, not yet. A teddy bear or two on the other hand....
Sep. 12th, 2009 06:07 am (UTC)
I throw stuffed animals, small pillows, and clean cloth diapers at the beasties. They throw them right back. It's a good stress reducer, and they think it's funny.
Sep. 12th, 2009 06:03 am (UTC)
Sweetie, if I thought you were fucking up the kids or being a bad mother, I'm enough of a bitch honest friend that I'd say something.

You're giving your kids--especially Ike--SO much more time, love and attention than most of your peer group that it's the other moms at the playground who should be ashamed, not you.

Sep. 15th, 2009 06:21 am (UTC)
Thanks hunny
Sep. 15th, 2009 06:27 am (UTC)
And if any of those playground moms start pulling attitude on you, tell me and I'll slap the living shit out of them.

Or worse, I'll look at their hair and shoes, and curl my lip. "That's an...interesting look. For someone much YOUNGER, of course."

They'll never know what hit 'em.

Sep. 18th, 2009 11:29 pm (UTC)
You're such a bitch, Allan!!


Sep. 18th, 2009 11:39 pm (UTC)
Well Duh! I only hang with Bitches...they are my kind of people! =)
Sep. 22nd, 2009 04:28 pm (UTC)
Sep. 14th, 2009 06:50 pm (UTC)
Trust Allan. He'd say it. As an added bonus, he'd try and be tactful too.

I like that you're actually concerned about being a good parent, hon. It's like going crazy: it's when you don't ask the question that you're likely screwing up.

Sep. 15th, 2009 06:24 am (UTC)
Its that always striving thing isn't it. When you think you've gotten "there" something humbling will come along and show you, you've got more work to do.

I've got a lot of work to do as a parent...

But today was a great day! No screaming! Some yelling, but absolutely no screaming! Go Me! =)
Sep. 18th, 2009 11:32 pm (UTC)
I guess that's just something everyone feels sometimes. Most of the time I'm pretty sure Mel's a good kid *in spite* of my mothering.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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