aelfie (aelfie) wrote,

An Update

Okay, I've finally got some time.

I think the best way to sum up this week is: I walked down the street, I saw the hole, I jumped in the hole, and I'm learning what I need to learn so I can climb out again.

I'm finding myself reflecting not on what my children need to do to improve our lives. But rather on what I need to do. First of all, I need to care for myself and make it a priority. I had successfully broken the addictive cycle I have with sugar, and stayed off of it for almost 2 months (record for me!) I'm finding that other foods are affecting that cycle (duh...the other white stuff. Rice, potatoes, etc, etc) and its been a struggle for me the last week. Two nights ago I gave in to the cravings. (GF smore's with dark chocolate is a GOOD thing) I also have been slacking on the amount of sleep I'm getting. I'm trying to get more movement into my life. (point in the right direction, I took the kids on a short hike yesterday. Beautiful.) As life gets more crazy around here, I'm finding the need to constantly focus on myself. What am I doing to put this fire out? What am I doing to fan the flames? With my slacking on self-care I'm finding myself turning into the mother I don't want to be. There is waaaaay too much screaming going on in this house and I know my kids are mirroring it from my example.

Deep breath.

This time of being in the hole is something I expected. I've been getting the feelings/impressions/messages that this school year is more about learning to be a functional family rather than reading and writing (not that I'm ignoring that, but I'm not nearly getting the things I planned out done. Our school year is going very slowly.) I have to admit, family life has been more dysfunctional, than functional. I've been a Mom for just over 7.5 years and I've spent too many of them wallowing in PPD. And too much just got left to the wayside...and I'm really seeing the results of my distractions. And I don't like what I'm seeing. But I'm not losing hope. When I compare where we are now, to where we were a couple of years ago...we have accomplished so much and we have come so far. But I also must acknowledge that there's still a lot to be done (not that it will ever be done).

In the last couple of weeks I feel like I am waking up, like the haze is being removed from my eyes or that I'm finally beginning to stand on firm ground. Now I'm taking stock, noticing what needs to be worked on now and what can wait. And I'm realizing that it really does begin with me. If I'm not in the best health I can be, I can't be the person I want to be. (You know I first wrote Mother...then I realized that, no, really, I want to become the best me I can be.)

So, I have to say....its going...well over here. Its chaotic, its stressful, I'm learning, I'm changing...but its all good.

Wow. That was a lot longer than I intended.
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