A few days later I started reading Parenting for a Healthy Future by Dotty Coplen. In chapter 5 "Punishment or Discipline" and found words that fulfilled what I was/am feeling
"When a parent only focuses on obedience, compliance, power and control, they risk losing the humanness of the child and instead are responding to the child as a machine or animal. We do need to control machines, we train animals, but we want to teach children." [Authors Emphasis]
She goes on to explain:
"Animals are not expected to make ethical choices or to have a social consciousness and we train them to meet our social expectations. Mans ability to control animals risks giving him an unhealthy sense of power and control...It is worthwhile wondering about the value of animal obedience training when it is extended beyond socializing the animal. It is important to think about how this fits into our goals of being healthy human beings. We need to be very careful about how we use power. We also need to differentiate between training animals and teaching children.
The parent has the task of helping the child learn what is expected in our world and also helping the child develop an inner sense of self as the first step of self control...Learning only to surrender to power and control through obedience and compliance stifles the qualities needed to become a responsible adult."
And I know that some would agrue that we are talking about semantics. But its not really. The inner gesture or inner attitude about the two words (train and teach) is very different. When a parent (or other adult) approaches a child from a position of power with the attitude that they are going to train a child its as if they are saying "I've decided that you are going to do X,Y and Z...because I want you to" To approach a child with a teach attitude its...well, softer. Its "I want to show you how to do X, Y, and Z. I'll be here to help you while you figure it out."
I don't know if this makes a lot of sense to anybody else...but this has sure helped me!