aelfie (aelfie) wrote,
aelfie
aelfie

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Body Hatred

After reading another LJ'ers post on her current bout of body hatred, I feel compelled to write my own.

Isn't it just awful how much we beat ourselves up? I'm going through a period of hating my body as well. My inner critic isn't being the quiet hum of an annoying bee, but the full throated, screaming rant. I look in the mirror and hear myself saying "You fat cow! You lost all that weight after the twins & now look at you! Stupid bitch! Can't do anything right, can you? You're just gonna keep stuffing your face 'till you really can't keep up with the kids huh? Lazy bitch." My IC is really nice isn't she?

I feel like crap. Not just emotionally, but physically as well. I felt fucking amazing after the girls were born. I wasn't getting enough sleep, but I had energy! And it wasn't the false high of too much sugar or caffeine, I wasn't injesting either. I felt wonderful! Now I feel exhausted, I'm drinking iced tea all day just to stay awake. And I just realized that's why Elli & Gwen's nap & sleeping habits have gone to hell. I just compare how I felt then to how I feel now and something is seriously lacking.

I'm stuggling with the stress of the care of 3 little people on not enough sleep. I'm trying to survive on caffeine and sugar. My body is loudly calling for alcohol, but I'm subverting it with chocolate (I've never been an alcoholic, but the tendency is in my system.) I'm craving the relaxation that alcohol gives and that scares the shit out of me. Chocolate is close, but like a true addict, its taking larger and larger doeses to get the calm feeling. That scares the shit out of me too. Not just for the addict ramifications, but what its going to do to my health. I liked how I felt and looked 6 weeks post partum. I want that back.

Part of me wonders if some sleep would help. another part wants to go to my doctor and demand a TSH test. I'm wondering if I'm getting enough thyroid medication. If I'm not, that would explain the tiredness and lack of energy. Fix that, and I think my need for sugar would go way down. But still. The emotional backlash is killing me. I don't like hating what I see in the mirror, even if I've hated that view my entire life. I've struggled too long to finally like myself (can't love myself yet, I'm just not there) and I'm dismayed that it takes so little for me to start berating myself so viciously again.

One day, I would really love to learn how to be nice to myself and take care of myself in every way.
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