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I can't sleep. My stomach is upset. And because of the two I'm having a slight anxiety attack.

I'm not....where I want to be. Either with my education. My children's education. My physical situation. My social situation.

Last one first.

I'm feeling...socially isolated. I'm not getting that social time that I need. I'm not getting my extroverted needs satisfied. I'm spending all my time around my children, and the house, and a few hours each day with Joe. And by the time Joe is home and the kids are in bed...I'm done. All my energy is gone, depleted, spent. All I want to do is sit and zone out. I don't even want to knit and for the most part don't even want to read. The fact that Joe and I are now on completely different sleep schedules isn't helping one stinkin' bit. I tend to go to bed hours before he does and I also tend to get up hours before he does. So getting any couple time in on a daily basis isn't happening. I haven't seen any of my friends in weeks and it sucks.

I'm not getting my homework done. And it sucks. I've got tons of reading to do, and its Steiner...so I can't do it while the children are present. I have to have uninterrupted time to get that done. Otherwise I just can't figure out what in the hell the man was trying to say. I'm not getting either my drawing practice in, nor my music practice in. There's always something...that has to be done. I'm home with the kids most of the day, and I just seem to spend most of it chasing them around, trying to get them to clean up after themselves in one room while another one is in another room trashing it. Wash, rinse, repeat. Schooling does get done (and oh boy, you can tell the end is near), but it usually entails Gray trashing...something while it's going on.

Sometimes I wish I could be normal. Put the kids in public school, and focus on myself for awhile. I could go to the gym every day, I could clean and organize the house. I could craft again. I could see friends. And then I berate myself for being a selfish bitch. How could I put myself in front of what's best for the kids? My mom sacrificed damned near everything to make sure I got the best education she could get for me...how can I do anything less for my own?

A job has been posted in the City of Santa Cruz. It's at a homebased preschool. 10 minutes I swear from Santa Cruz Waldorf. I'm actually qualified for it. And I'm actually debating on trying for it. It's an immediate opening...and I'm pretty damn sure that it won't pay me the $4000.00 I'd need a month just to put the big three into a care situation. It just MIGHT pay me enough to cover the tuition for them...but I'm pretty sure it won't cut after care costs, or summer care. Ut. So I'm still pondering it. 'cause you know...it'd be experience. And the kids could go to school. Then I just wonder if I should just say fuck it. Go get a librarian job and pay for tuition for all four at WSP. I'm pretty sure I could earn something close to cover it.

I'm wondering if I should go back onto the tryptophan. I use it for it's anti-depressant qualities for my SAD, rather than for its sleep enhancements. I stopped a couple of weeks back and haven't really felt right sense. It's either that or the things I'm eating are adversely affecting me. I'm more than willing to put my money on the food. But the not really wanting to even read is a pretty strong clue something isn't right. That's damn near a I'm on my death bed syndrome.

I feel so physically lethargic. It's annoying. I'm tired of lower extremity injuries...I've been in pain in my right foot for various reasons for over 2 years now. I want to MOVE, but it hurts so much I can't.

Now there's a frustration...so many things I want to do, but I just feel like my body won't let me. In my entire life, I've only had one, very short period of time when I felt physically...wonderful. Full of energy and life and joy. But I'm not sure I want to give birth to twins again in order to feel like that once more. The crash is...horrible. Actually feeling good in one's body is an experience that should last a whole lot longer than 6 weeks in over 40 years of living.

Okay, maybe I can sleep now. Not sure. But at least, I'm going to go try. And Gray is coughing again...his lungs are acting up...again. There seems to be another cold starting to go around here...

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