It does take a freaking village to raise a child. The hell with the idea of one child. It takes a freaking urban landscape to raise three. Do you have any idea how frustrating to ask for help, make plans for that help, and have that help flake on you? Its happened to me 3 times now. And I hate it. Everyone says "I'll be glad to help, just ask." Asking is hard enough, its admitting that you can't keep it together, that you aren't good enough to do it by yourself. And then when you do ask, they don't show. Its making me not want to ask for help. Its making me disbelieve in my friends. It also doesn't help that my freaking village is spread over northern california. Everyone is so busy, living their own lives. Its not like they can drop everything just to help me. Not their fault. But it still sucks.
I am so exhausted. I have never been this tired. I have no reserves left. I am moving on sheer will alone. If I stop to think about it, I start to cry. And I can't stop. I am walking on the ragged edge of exhaustion. I fall asleep at red lights. I have to drink caffeine just to make sure I'll make it to my destination alive 'cause I'm falling asleep behind the wheel. Its damn scary let me tell you
I have become the mother I loathe. One who constantly screams at her children. I have to stop myself from spanking Ike, I'm afraid I won't stop until he's black and blue.
I think I figured out why we don't have decent child care in America. Neo-cons keep voting it down. They don't see a need. Neo-cons are religious people. They also tend to stay in their neighborhoods. Their village is intact. And if, heaven forbid, they move. They go to their churches, and the village is right there. I think that's the one thing Protestantism has gotten right. It does feel like family. If one member family has a crisis, they swoop on in en masse and take care of everything. Child care, bills, food, home repairs. Everything. Its a support system unlike anything I've ever seen before. Catholics don't get it. We've got too many centuries of being apathetic about church. Its something you go to. Its an obligation. I don't go to Mass 'cause its too much bloody work keeping three small kids quiet. In a protestant church they'd be in the church daycare. Mom actually gets a few hours break. I'm jealous of that. Paganism is even worse. I can find a catholic church in the bloody yellow pages. How in the hell do you find a circle? You have to know somebody. If you don't know somebody your stuck as a solitary. And dammit that's just lonely. Not a hell of a lot of support. I want that feeling of inclusion. Yet I'm leary of it. Too much catholic in my I guess.
You know? My doctor made a mistake. I went to her 'cause I'm feeling depressed. (Because I'm exhaused) So she gives me a bottle of sleeping pills. You don't give a woman who is depressed sleeping pills! Pill popping is the number one method of suicide for women. She asks me to get rid of the guns in my house (too messy, what if I miss?) but hands me a bottle of sleeping pills. Where's the sense in that huh?
But you know? I have to admit. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. That bottle of sleeping pills. I see the attraction. I wouldn't be tired anymore. I wouldn't have to care for anybody anymore. But I don't like the idea of dying part. What if I screw up? Joe's so oblivious I think I'd die before he'd realize what I'd done. The stomach pumping part is even worse. I hate the idea of a tube being shoved down my throat. The attraction in swallowing that bottle of pills is getting my ass locked up in the psych ward for a few days. I might actually get some rest. And that might actually make it all worth trying. But its not close.
Not yet anyway.
Its pretty bad. I space out a lot. I sit on the couch watching the kids play. I feel like I'm narcoleptic again. I yank my head up with a start when I realize I've fallen asleep.
Joe's mom is coming in a 10 days. I am really looking forward to the help. But I'm afraid to expect it too. I'm afraid that this two week visit will be a repeat of the month she came out to help right after Ike was born. No help at all. It was nice that someone else was here. But help? Not really.
What I need is a wife. Or a co-wife actually. Just another adult around to help. Someone who can take turns pushing the kids on the swing. Someone who can spell me long enough to take a stupid nap. Some to help fold laundry (although Joe is a wonder launderess). Graysons have this shit figured out. Its too much work keeping a house going. It takes more than 2 adults. Especially when you add kids to the mix. They just drain all the energy right out of you. Sometimes at the end of the day I feel so empty. I feel all used up. Nothing left. No energy to even go to bed. Hell sometimes I feel like that at 1 in the afternoon. But kids don't understand that. They just keep at you asking for more. And its draining.
Thinking of bed. Girls are asleep. Mom will get Ike to bed. Time to find mine. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.
But I'm not counting on it.