aelfie (aelfie) wrote,

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Mothers Guilt-warning lots of emoting here.

All the child rearing books say that you shouldn't feel guilty about raising your children. That everyone makes mistakes and that beating yourself up for things isn't productive. It's good advice, but it doesn't help much. Especially for those who grew up with parents who's main method of discipline and/or abuse was guilt.

I hate the fact that I don't have any energy.
I hate it that I just want Ike to go away at times.
I hate seeing him sitting in front of the TV completely content for hours at a time.
 I hate the fact that I don't have the energy to play with him.
I hate that I just can't seem to do more than get out of bed some days.
I hate it that some days I'm really ambilivent about this pregnancy, especially considering what I had to do to get it. People say "Twins, isn't that exciting?!?!" and my response is relief.
I'm afraid that I'm ruining my son.
I'm afraid that my shortcomings are going to be a detrimental affect on him.
I'm afraid that Ike's goint to turn into some uneducated, 30 second attention span, overweight blob, parasite on the universe because I know I let him watch too much TV right now.
I'm afraid of passing my really bad habits onto Ike.
I'm afraid that I'm missing out on some of Ike's most crucial learning years, as the habits he picks up now are going to be with him forever.
I'm afraid I'll never have the energy to really play with him again.
I'm afraid that after Elli and Gwen are born I'll continue to ignore his needs.
I feel guilty because I don't seem to be capabale of being the mother I know I could be.
I feel guilty that I just turn that damn babble box on when ever we are inside.
I feel guilty 'cause I just don't have the energy to do anything else.
I feel guilty 'cause my little boy needs me and I can't do anything more than sit and rest.
I feel guilty 'cause sometimes I think if I weren't pregnant I'd feel better.
I feel guilty that I'm not being a good wife lately.
I feel sad because Ike deserves so much better.
I feel sad that this pregnancy is really physically draining me.
I feel sad 'cause I'm watching aristocats 4 times in a row, and that its makes Ike happy.
I feel sad because I feel like such a useless blob right now.
I feel sad 'cause I don't get much joy out of my baby's smile.
I feel sad 'cause my temper is so short lately.
I feel sad 'cause I don't shield Ike sufficiently from my shortcomings.
I feel sad 'cause Joe is working his ass off both at work and especially at home.
I feel sad 'cause I feel I'm not holding my end of my marriage up.
I feel sad 'cause in some ways I just don't care. All I want to do is pull the covers over my head and sleep.

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