aelfie (aelfie) wrote,

  • Mood:

Depression and S&M

Okay, wierd combo I know.

So driving back from the Wiggles tonight I was feeling extremely stressed. Nothing like trying to keep track of your extremely hyper toddler in a crowd of several thousand other hyper toddlers. It was a good concert btw, but I have a headache 'cause it was waaaaay too loud. Anyways, I'm driving home and I get the urge to cut myself. This is happened before, I've never acted on it. Its just another indication of how bad this round of depression is. And I was thinking about the last time this happened and I talked to a shrink she asked me why I wanted to hurt myself. My response was something along the lines of "Because it would be a visible, physical manifestation of the pain I was feeling. If I hurt myself physically, maybe the emotional pain would flow out with it."

Which got me to (don't you just love the random connections your mind makes at times?) drawing parallels between a good heavy flogging and depression. In both cases you are tied down. You can't move, you can't escape. You just have to accept the pain you are receiving. You have to learn to ride the pain and not let it take over. And sometimes the pain breaks through something and you just have to release it. Usually through tears, crying, and screaming. (at least in my case). And then its over, the pain is remembered, but the rush comes, you feel stronger because you accepted what was given, and (if its a good giver) you get lots of love and cuddles.

I wonder if this is why S&M appeals to me so. Is it just a physical manifestation of my emotional pain? Didn't you wish sometimes as a kid that your parents would just spank you and get the punishment over with 'cause that kind of pain is easier to deal with (than say guilt?) Is that why I'm craving the flogger and the knife lately? Because I feel so bad emotionally I need to find a physical replacement that's easier to handle?

*sigh* just another sign that the human animal is really strange.

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